In my last
writing workshop with my fellow first year PhD students, we discussed “the
uncanny” triggered by reading Bennett and Royle’s introduction(1) to
it as a concept and analysis of Freud’s list of things that make us feel
unwholesome/unhomelike. Perfect for Halloween.
I began to
think about whether there would or could be instances of the uncanny in the
book I have started. One incident, that happened to me on the day I left my
controlling and abusive marriage stood out. My book is a fictional account of domestic
abuse, and particularly coercive control, and while loosely based on some of my
own experiences, weaves other narratives into the story. Sometimes I write in
the first person and sometimes in the third, but eventually it will all be a
third person perspective. I decided I would begin to write about that day.
It is interesting
in that I have talked (to friends, counsellors, therapists, solicitors) about
many aspects of my experience, to reduce the trauma and record events for the
legal record, but I have largely ignored the emotional impact of that day,
simply regarding it as a day that happened, was difficult, but achieved it’s
aim. But of course it was both pivotal, the ending of one thing and the
starting of another, and traumatic.
I found as I
began to write about it, that my narrative sounded like something a child –
maybe of primary school age - would write. It listed events – this happened,
and then this happened, and then this… I went back to edit and fill in the
details but it still felt like a black-and-white outline drawing waiting to be
coloured in. I was intrigued that I was finding this so hard to write about and
yet, why was I so surprised? It was a highly anxious and adrenaline-filled day.
Finally I
had a discussion with a friend who is a writer and poet, who studied the MA in
Creative Writing alongside me and is a survivor herself, and sent her what I
had written so far. Her insight suddenly freed me up to write creatively about
it. I felt like a block had cleared.
I am sure it
will require considerable editing as time goes by and the project develops, but
I now feel this piece is on it’s way and am content that it’s where it needs to
be for now. Writing as therapy; it’s uncanny.
(1) Bennett, Andrew and Nicholas Royale
(2016) Chapter Five: The Uncanny in An Introduction to
Literature, Criticism and Theory, Abingdon, Taylor & Francis Group.
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